Present: Autonomous Eye, Shagatha, La Chaise, Third Elf, Fox, Empty Shell. Plus guests Tainted Dick and Mad Tam.

Absent with a Really Good Excuse: Pandamonia

Where: Elgin Street

The first thing we did was congratulate ourselves heartily for surviving our trip to Elgin Street.

The journey was every bit as arduous and treacherous as we feared it would be, and some of our members were wishing they’d participated in Sherpa Joe’s boot camp because it’s not much fun finding out you’re undertrained and unprepared when you’re  clinging to the sidewalk with your fingernails and the wind is whipping the breath right out of your lungs and the snow is swirling all around you as you pray desperately to a god you don’t even believe in to please please please send the sidewalk plow.

At one point we were so hungry and exhausted that we feared for our very lives. The relentless snow had covered the street signs, but we thought we were on the north face of Metcalfe Street. We were disoriented, not even sure any longer if we were still on course.

“I’m so hungry,” wailed Empty Shell, “I haven’t had anything to eat since midmorning tea!”

We were all getting a little rumbly in the tumbly.

Pandamonia kept shrieking “Oh my god, we’re all going to die!” and it was getting on everybody’s nerves.

She was going on and on about her children and who would take care of them and help them with their homework and clean out their puke buckets and pick the nits out of their hair, and finally Foxy couldn’t take it anymore. He leapt upon her and killed her.

Everybody gasped and stared at him.

Foxy looked a little sheepish, but the best defence is a good offence so he said “Look. We’re starving out here. Someone had to make the supreme sacrifice so the rest of us could survive. Panda was the weakest link.”

Then he tore her into relatively equal sized pieces and gave everybody their share.

“That’s ok,” said Empty Shell, “I’m on a diet.”

“You can have my piece Foxy,” I said, “I’m not that hungry.”

“I never eat before my first beer,” said Elfy.

“Eyes don’t actually eat,” said the Eye, “we just feast ourselves on visual delights.”

“I’m a vegetarian,” said Shagatha, and you could tell from her tone that she had a newfound respect for Foxy.

So Foxy devoured Pandamonia, and we all enjoyed the peace and quiet for a bit.

And then our prayers were answered, as we heard the distant rumble of the sidewalk plow. We collapsed into one another’s arms, sobbing with joy. “Over here!” we screamed weakly, our voices snatched away by the wind, “Over here!” We waved our scarves at the approaching plow.

After the plow had passed, the passage to Elgin Street opened up and we were there in no time. We went up and down the street looking for the Tally-Ho Tavern but we couldn’t find it. Shelly kept saying Elgin Street didn’t look the same as she remembered.

 After everything we’d been through, we felt pretty demoralized that we couldn’t find the Tally-Ho Tavern.

We finally gave up on the Tally-Ho and decided to try somewhere else instead. Nobody knew which place to try, and there were a LOT of places. We felt like we’d just fallen off the Turnip Truck. While we were standing around weighing our options, the Autonomous Eye accidentally rolled down a flight of stairs. He was mildly embarrassed and looked around to see if anybody had noticed. He peered in the window of the door beside him, and said “This looks like a most unusual spot.”

The others went down the stairs and peered in and announced that it appeared to have food and beer! It met all our criteria! So we decided to go inside.

I was worried. I watched the others go in, and I just stood there shuffling from one foot to another, looking at the little staircase and the door. It was also so narrow and twisty. I didn’t think I could squeeze in there – not without help, anyway.

But then I guess the others noticed I hadn’t gone in with them, and they came out and got me. They turned me on my end and said things like “Lift your end a little higher and turn her clockwise a bit,” and the next thing you know, my friends had manouevered me through the little doorway. I was so happy.

We stood in the little bar and waited for our eyes to acclimatize. Truth be told, we were suffering from a touch of snow-blindness. But then as my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, I could scarcely believe what I was seeing! Oh my God! It was love at first sight!

I fell head over heels in love with a red booth!

Isn’t he the most gorgeous creature you’ve ever seen?  

Red Booth

To be continued…..