January 2008


4th Dwarf… Surely this isn’t you? Tell me this is the work of your evil twin dwarf brother, or your long lost dwarf cousin! Anybody who writes such lovely poems could not be capable of such crimes.

 Or… could they?

Dwarf crime a ‘growing problem’

Thieves are robbing long-distance coaches by sneaking dwarves into the luggage holds in sports bags.

Once inside, they slip out from their hiding places to rifle through the belongings of unsuspecting travellers.

Then they take their loot back to their hiding place and wait to be collected by another gang member when the coach reaches its destination, reports The Sun.

They have stolen thousands of pounds in cash, gems and other valuables in recent months.

Swebus, which ferries thousands of Brits across Sweden, has been among coach firms targeted.

A spokesman said: “We have had reports about several thefts by dwarves on the stretch between Vasteras and Stockholm.

“We’re thinking of installing video cameras.”

A Stockholm Police spokesman said: “We are looking at our records to identify criminals of limited stature.”

From Ananova 

Journey of the fox

An Internet poem
by the lowercase fox
thefox.jpg

Our journey took us through steppe, taiga,
mountainous regions, and around the southern shores
of Lake Baikal, the largest freshwater lake in the world.

Our journey took us in a direction
I had never before travelled. The further east
our journey took us, the more adventurous it became.

Our journey took us through another A road.
I held out our sign as we walked, and was amazed
when someone stopped for us.

Our journey took us from the casual meat eater
to the self-reliant human. After lunch
our journey took us to Pattaya, about three hours away.

Our journey took us across five time zones
and through one or two villages, but they had been
reduced to ghost towns.

The next part of our journey
took us to Bath, England. Our journey
took us into dialogue with women.

Our journey took us past a small salt flat
where we stopped to take some experimental photos.
The next leg of our journey

took us to Holland. The weather deteriorated.
We were having scattered showers. Not the best of weather
for a beach holiday! Our journey took us

to explore a new realm of consciousness. Our journey
took us beyond the electric lines, telephone,
paved roads and television. We built our own house,

grew salads year-round in a solar greenhouse,
and taught our children at home. Naturally, our journey
took us past small settlements and isolated homes,

most of which were adorned with a variety of
Christmas lights. At times, our journey took us
through some rather desolate and depressing places.
 
Our journey took us on a rickety bus that broke down
after 10 minutes. Our journey took us across
a massive waterfall visible from far.

Some years our journey took us only a few hundred miles;
other years we traveled coast to coast. The final part
of our journey took us north again to the quaint village of York.

Our journey took us straight uphill. Our journey took us
to Mount Horeb, where God once spoke so loudly.
Our journey took us to the beautiful Argentinean city of Mendoza,

full of great plazas, restaurants and, of course,
the ultimate life style choice. This part of our trip
put the icing on our cake!

-signed, fox

[*]

“Deep!”
  -The Elgin Street Irregulars

“All heart!!”
  -Asteroidea press

“Jolly good!!!”
  -The Queen of England

My name is Joe Daniels. I’ve just been contracted to join the BSI team on a temporary basis, to provide navigational support and technical assistance for a trek they’re planning. (I’m actually an adventure travel agent, but somehow I got talked into this BSI gig, and the deal is I’m their sherpa. Seriously.)

My job normally entails booking people on ecotours in the Galapagos, or hiking trips in the Alps or canoeing expeditions on the Nahani, that kind of thing.

People often overestimate their own abilities, or underestimate the challenges they think they want to tackle. I’ve even seen little old ladies in their fifties who wanted to climb Everest. My challenge is to tactfully channel these kind of adventurers into more realistic adventures. Like maybe instead of Mount Everest, they might want to climb Owl’s Head. I deal with this kind of thing all the time. I’ve seen it all.

So I wasn’t all that surprised when an eyeball rolled in here today, accompanied by a dizzy blonde in spiked heels, an elf and a mangy looking fox, and said he wanted to hire a sherpa.

“Have a seat,” I said.

The fox whistled, and a red couch came clippity-clopping in from outside. The fox, the eye, the elf and the dizzy blonde in spiked heels all squeezed onto the couch.

“So. A sherpa,” I said, “Everest?”

“Elgin,” said the Eye.

“Elgin??” I asked, “The county?”

“The street,” said the Eye.

I chuckled. I was thinking Manny must have put these guys up to this. Manny and me, we trade practical jokes back and forth, and it was Manny’s turn. This did seem a little elaborate though. Dizzy blondes are a dime a dozen, but it couldn’t have been easy coming up with a talking eye and a walking couch and a trained fox and a half-drunk elf.

I showed them a city map and marked our location on Bank Street and their destination on Elgin Street. I explained that they could walk there in twenty minutes.

They all looked at the map like it was hieroglyphics or something. I tried to explain maps to them, how each of those lines was a street. They listened politely and then the dizzy blonde pointed out that even one street was bigger than the whole map, so it made no sense. The others nodded. The Eye kept saying “I see, I see,” but I could see that he didn’t.

By the end of it, I’d been engaged to provide sherpa services to this crew (and some of their friends who I haven’t met yet), to escort them to Elgin Street and back. I’m not sure when we’re going to do that, because they said they had to do a bunch of things first. 

The crazy thing is I think they’re for real. I don’t think Manny’s got any part of this. Manny’s practical jokes never cost  anything, and the dizzy blonde paid me a big retainer.  They’ve insisted I be called Sherpa Joe from now on. I figure what the hell, it’s got a nice ring to it and for that kind of money they can call me whatever they want.

That’s it for now. Fox and Elf and me, we’re going out for beers now.

pad-thai.jpg 

My bestest friend, Richard is back in town!!! We used to play together when we were little because his family is friends with mine and everything. But he went away to ballet school in Europe somewhere and now he got a job as a dancer with the National Ballet, which I think is sooooo super-amazing. He’s totally gorgeous AND a super-amazing professional dancer!!!!! 

We were, like, soooo happy to see each other again and he said I was totally gorgeous, too. So we went shopping together. He likes all the same shops I like and we bought sooooo much stuff and he even bought me this cute little bag from a boutique on Sussex Drive.

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  Isn’t it just adorable? After we went to a super-cool vegetarian restaurant called Sacred Garden.  It’s Thai food (which I loooove), but also there’s no meat in anything which is way cool because Richard says “it’s not right to eat our fellow creatures”.  (Guess what? I think I might be a vegetarian now, too!!!!!) So the food was awesome.  They had like these little pretend shrimps which looked like shrimps and tasted even more shrimpy than shrimps, but they didn’t have any shrimps in them!!! How crazy is that????  I couldn’t figure out how they did that. And actually, I didn’t like the pretend shrimps too much.  They were, like, really super-shrimpy. Ewww. I also tried the green curry which was very spicy, but O.M.G.! soooo yummy.  But, I couldn’t eat too much because it was so spicy.  Then we had Pad Thai (without shrimps).  It was super-yummy. And I had the most amazing thing called Tofu Tod and I didn’t even know I liked tofu!!! Actually, I didn’t even know you could eat tofu or even what it was!!!

The funniest thing was that the server person kept filling up our water glasses every time we’d take a sip so we played a game where we’d each take a tiny sip and the server person would rush right over to fill the glass up again and we’d laugh our heads off and then take another tiny sip. It was soooo funny!!  But it’s okay because Richard left him an enormous tip.  He’s super-generous. Anyway, Sacred Garden is a nice, relaxing place and I really, really want to go there again and try more stuff because it all looks so good from what I could see on other people’s tables. You should totally go there.  Also, I want to try more vegetarian things because then I don’t have to feel bad about what I’m eating. 

Okay, so now I have a question.  Richard asked me to go to New York with him like, next weekend to see Drowsy Chaperone and shop and stuff. He has a small apartment there and promised I could have my own room and bathroom and he’s been a total gentleman so far and I have known him forever and I really want to go, but oh my…. what do you think? Daddy says I’m “perfectly safe” with Richard, but I don’t want him to think I’m THAT kind of girl because I really, really like him and I think maybe he’s THE ONE??? (O.M.G., I can’t believe I said that… tee hee)

Butt PlugOkay, since Pandamonia brought it up, I’m going to tell you what I got at Venus Envy. It’s a butt plug. But it’s not for me.

 I got it because, as a chaise, my whole so-called purpose in life requires me to be in close contact with a lot of asses. Laugh all you want, but the humour wears a little thin when it’s your everyday reality. (I know The Chair understands what I’m up against, but I don’t expect anybody else to get it.)

I’m not going to mince words here: I get farted on a lot. The woman who “owns” me farts on me. Her guests fart on me. She’s got a new boyfriend. Every time she gets up to go check on dinner or something, the asshole boyfriend farts on me. I give it another month and he won’t even wait till she leaves the room.

Anyway, that’s why I bought the butt plugs. Self defence. The only problem is, most of the asses who fart on me are  wearing pants. But the next time a naked ass sits on me, I’m taking steps to defend myself.

padamonia.jpg

Thank you BSIs, for giving me a chance to join you. I think this is going to be a lot of fun. The meeting was awesome. Everyone is so funny and nice – it was great to meet all of you in person after knowing you all from your other blogs for so long. I didn’t know what to do for my first post, but since I sort of get the feeling I’d better do it soon, I figured I’d just tell you all what happened after the meeting.

A few of us gals went to Venus Envy to check out their anniversary sale. It’s the first time I’ve ever been in a place like that and I was so nervous I kept knocking things over. It seemed like those giant silicon penises deliberately jumped off the shelves as I passed by. I spent most of my time cleaning up. At one point I had a really huge bright purple member (complete with throbbing veins) vibrating in my left hand and one of those soft, squishy ones that come attached to life-like testicles flopping and squirming in right hand, when my cell phone starts ringing, very loudly to the tune of “When the Saints Go Marching In” (My ring tone seems to change into ever-more embarrassing noises daily.  I don’t know how.  I suspect the kids)

Anyway, there I am and the phone makes everyone look in my direction, which wasn’t so bad because they all seemed to think it was comical, but then at the same instant my teenage daughter walks in with her boyfriend!Well, I tell you… no one knew what to do. My daughter looked mortified. I don’t know if it was about me seeing her there or about her seeing me there, bedecked with penises. But then the boyfriend starts laughing,  so my daughter, the wise-ass smirks and says, “Aren’t you going to answer one of those? (because my phone, hidden somewhere in my pocket was still ringing — loudly).

Shagatha and LaChaise, who were with me in the shop and already way too amused at my clumsiness, just lost it at this point. They were practically on the floor laughing so long and so hard I thought they were going to damage themselves. And speaking of long and hard and damage, I did manage to put those poor phallacies back on the shelf, but not before getting tangled up in some complicated leather thing which turned out to be a male chastity belt, (see photo above) which I turned over to the boyfriend on my way out the door.

PS:  I’m still on my BSI probationary period, so I won’t tell you what Shagatha and La Chaise bought or what they made me buy. 

Dear Chaise,
Here is a picture of the “napkin ring.” Yes, yes, most attractive against your lovely red skin. But now I must be off!

the-ring.jpg

We have learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Fourth Dwarf is really a pirate. Not a little sleepy miner. And he may have a neck. But he cannot hide for long from the piercing gaze of the Autonomous Eye!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where: The Usual Spot

Who: Shagatha, Third Elf, Foxy, Autonomous Eye, Empty Shell, La Chaise, Pandamonia

When: 12:00 pm sharp, give or take. We waited several extra minutes for Megan, but she didn’t show up. Elfy cried so we admired his feet and he cheered right up.

Beer was ordered. No beans. (We don’t know what that means, but we wrote it down on the minutes napkin, and so we must faithfully transcribe it.)

There was a heartful exchange of gifts, including some lovely Queen’s Silver Jubilee jewelry and delicious foodstuffs. We split Megan’s gifts seven ways.

We discussed Megan’s generous offer of a free blog consultation [redacted] and are taking it under advisement at this time.

We welcomed Pandamonia as the newest member of the Bank Street Irregulars. Pandamonia started to make a little speech about humble beginnings or some such thing. I wasn’t really paying attention.  Shagatha told her not to get too far ahead of herself, because unlike certain other group blogs, the BSIs have some standards with respect to quality and quantity of posts. Pandamonia will not be accepted as a full-fledged member of the BSIs until she actually posts something. There will be no deadwood on our blog. No coat-tail clingers. No dingleberries. We won’t be tricking anybody into posting or thinking up easy jobs for them to do. No. Either they post or we kick ’em out and they go find work over on Elgin Street. Pandamonia looked scared.

After we got that settled we ordered breakfast and sat around the table like a murder of fucking crows, talking about people behind their backs.

Then we discussed whether our team was complete or if we needed still more members. [redacted]

We brainstormed about new directions for our blog and carved out areas of expertise for each of our team members. [redacted]

We critiqued the art on the walls and wondered if the chef just dashed it off in his spare time or what.

Breakfast arrived. Everybody loved their breakfast except for Shagatha, who had ordered a veggie burger and was given mushrooms on a bun. A consultation between the chef and the waitress yielded the following explanation: “That’s how we do veggie burgers now.” The waitress insisted on replacing the veggie burger with a badly burnt vegetarian pizza. Shagatha did not look pleased. We were all scared. Shagatha called the waitress back and showed her the blackened bottom of her pizza. The waitress looked scared. An offer was made and accepted: Shagatha could have all her bad food for free, and they’d give her an extra beer too.

We discussed the location for the next Emergency meeting. Despite the plethora of eating establishments on Bank Street, we seem to have an unfortunate shortage of licensed breakfast places.

“We could take the ESIs up on their offer to visit Elgin Street, ” Foxy suggested. There was much excitement around the table as we made plans for the journey. There are many details to take care of, so we wrote a To-Do list:

get passports
get visas
hire sherpas
borrow luggage
get shots for Spotted Yellow Typohoid Fever and malaria
get drops for the Eye
arrange for fumigation for La Chaise before returning to Bank Street
arrange quarantine for Foxy
visit Google Maps and print out the directions to Elgin Street
make arrangements for Elfy’s alley cats. (Empty Shell offered to look after them, but we reminded her that she won’t be available that day.)

Then we talked about how to properly acknowledge the ESIs’ welcome message, which warmed the cockles of our great big hearts. We decided we’d like to reciprocate their generous offer and invite the ESIs to visit Bank Street. It’s really a world-class tourist destination. We have all kinds of cool stuff on Bank Street. We’ve got pigeons, a bridge, a falling-down hotel, and lots and lots of banks. We even have a grocery store!

At this point, some dude at the next table leaned over and said “Say, aren’t you guys the Bank Street Irrelevants? I read your blog all the time, I’m a huge fan.”

“And you?” asked Elfy, “Who might you be?”

davewoods.ca said the young man. Who then insisted he is not part of any group blog. Even though 3rd Elf narrowed his eyes the second time he asked. Davewoods.ca looked scared.

We then took pictures of ourselves trying on all the napkin rings (photos to follow once the Eye gets focused), adjourned the meeting and went shopping for redacted.

TrophyAs you may know, the bANk sTREet irReLEvanTs have been nominated for a Canadian Blog Award in the Best Group Blog category. This is very exciting for us. We’d like to thank the Academy and our moms and our Grade One teachers for making it all possible. We’d also like to thank ourselves for nominating us.

There’s some pretty formidable competition out there.

First and foremost, of course, there’s the Elgin Street Irregulars, who certainly aren’t new to blogging or even competitive blogging. I understand they were recently engaged in a bit of a pissing contest with a relatively unknown blogger who shall remain unnamed because he’s probably feeling a wee bit sheepish right now. My only advice to him is “Put on your big boy panties and rock on, Unnamed Blogger.”

Then there’s Beats Entropy. They’re Ottawa-based, near Elgin Street and Bank Street. They’re hoping to woo the CBA voting public with drunken shirtless pictures. It’s so crazy it might just work. Therefore, the BSIs will be getting together later this week to pose for a full frontal group shot. That’ll teach those Entropy guys to divulge their strategy to the competition.

slander.jpg

Posted by Shagatha’s Personal Assistant

It has been brought to Shagatha’s attention that a person with irregularity issues has been blackening Shagatha’s good name.  The terms, “hussy” and “trollope” were used.

Shagatha finds this prejucial and unnecessarily hurtful since this Aggie person has never met Shagatha and knows virtually nothing about her. For her own part, Shagatha has, until now considered Aggie a sister in the shagosphere – one with whom she might perhaps one day share an evening of shagalicious note-comparison over a fine bottle of some very old wine and a variety of nice cheeses. 

Furthermore, Shagatha has no desire to “riff” anyone’s “gig”.  Shagatha has a very full plate of gigs of her own.  On further consideration, however, Shagatha does admit the striking similarity of name and friends could be a bit unsettling.  Rest assured that, while Shagatha’s group of friends may be somewhat peculiar, they are really quite a sweet and playful bunch. (Please note: that admitting this in a public forum has made Shagatha quite ill).

Finally, Shagatha would like to recall the words of Charles Caleb Colton, when he said, ” Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

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