fat neck


Somebody was yelling, “No!! Not you!!!”

I stepped inside and a cat slammed into me. 

It clung onto my head, hissing and clawing, and then another one hit me in the chest and stuck like velcro. I tried to shake them off but they stuck their claws into me and hung on. As soon as I got one off another one came flying.

There was a stack of cages against the wall. Somebody was opening them and hurling cats at me. As fast as I could grab one and fling it off, another one struck, hissing and clawing and caterwauling.

My arms and hands were bleeding from all the clawing. I’d had enough. I faced the hail of cats head-on and charged the mystery cat-chucker like a linebacker for the LA Rams. The crowd roared, “Joe! Joe! Sherpa Joe!” and I made the tackle.

It was Fat Neck. He was naked and crying. I tied him up with my climbing rope and hoisted him over a chandelier.

You don’t want to see Fat Neck naked. Especially not upside down.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled. “What’s with the cats?”

“Not mine!” he blubbered. “Third Elf’s cats!”

“I don’t care whose cats they are! Why are you throwing them at me?”

“I thought you wouldn’t let me have the blog. I thought you wouldn’t let me be the Grammar Gestapo,” Fat Neck said.

“You’re the Grammar Gestapo?” I couldn’t help laughing. That made Fat Neck cry even louder. “That’s ridiculous,” I said. “Anyway, you can’t have the blog. I’m holding it for the BSIs.”

“But I was learning how to knit,” Fat Neck said. He was whimpering like a bulldog puppy.

He was starting to get on my nerves. Dangerously on my nerves. I defanitly didn’t have time for this. I needed information.

“I think you know more than you’re letting on,” I said. “Where are they? Where’s Fox and Elf and the Autonomous Eye?” 

I broke one of Fat Neck’s fingers to let him know I was serious. You would have done the same thing. It was just one of the little ones. He screamed a bit and then he went back to his blubbering.

“S! S! S!” Fat Neck blubbered.

“Cincinnatti?” I said. “Cincinnatti, USA?”

“Sw! Sw! Sw!”

“Swaziland? Swaziland, Africa?” I twisted another finger. Anybody would have.

“Sw! Sw! Sw!” Fat Neck screamed.

“Sweden? Sweden, Scandinavia?”

I wouldn’t mind going to Sweden. I like the blonde dames they have there. Tall ones with blue eyes and pale skin. Freckles.

“Sw! Sw! Sw!” Fat Neck whimpered.

“Switzerland?” I said. He tried to nod while he was hanging upside down. It was comical. “Yes? They’re in Switzerland? Switzerland, Europe?” He nodded again. “What the hell are they doing there?”

Fat Neck passed out. He probably didn’t know anything anyway.

Most of the cats had gone back in their cages. That’s where the food was. Some of them were just milling around sniffing at each other. They seemed like a decent bunch of cats when they weren’t being used as missiles.

I grabbed Shelly’s panties, popped Fat Neck between the eyes, loaded the cat cages into a taxi, and set the bloggery on fire. Then I headed for the docks. 

Me and Third Elf’s cats had a freighter to catch. A fast freighter for Switzerland.

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Vee haff vays of making you speak properly! 

Or did you mean would?

  • I wood if I cood.
  • How much wood wood a woodchuck?

Maybe you meant wouldn’t?

  • I wooden give her the time of day.
  • Dont take no wooden nickels.

Or could it be would he?

  • Woody really sink this low?
  • What a gigantic woody!

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Fat neck 

An Internet poem
by the lowercase fox
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Hey johnny they say that you use 2 mic cords
to get the radio mic to reach your fat neck.
Is that true? Oink Oink.

A wide fat neck is just a pleasure to hold.
In essence, the deep fat neck is a crutch
for my absolutely apalling technique!!!

And the fat neck is not a problem after you feel it out.
My only complaint is that the wide fat neck is just…well….
too wide and fat. Unless you have enormous hands.

The short, fat neck is stiff enough
to prevent energy loss. A person with a short fat neck
is at an increased risk of snoring.

The fat neck is so fast, it’s just a thing of beauty.
Ugh. Her fat neck is so disturbing.
It makes me want to vomit.

She has developed a puffy soft fat neck.
The big fat neck is perfect for my hand. The fat neck
is one of the most appealing features for me.

A beastly indigo stallion, whose fat neck
is a braid of muscles and arteries. Its cut legs
are as thick as tree trunks.

The short, fat neck is adorned
with a broad collar of three rows
of white, blue and white beads.

Upon his jacket bloodlike
there is the stain of drink, and his tie
around his fat neck is noose-tight.

Just cus you’re a cop dont give you a right
to beat somebody… and I don’t think his fat neck is cute.
“That,” said fat-neck, “is an ambulance.”

Did you notice she has a huge fat neck?
Is THAT what I look like? A huge fat necked cry baby
who divorces her husband and hooks up with a boy half her age?

Around her python-like long, fat neck
is a pearl necklace that glittered radiantly.
Up close, I see that his fat neck is scratched raw and red.

For the love of god put ur fucking shirt on.
And the camera angle aint too flattering.
Ur big fat neck is in my face.

-signed, fox
“He’s so deep”
“And he has such a big heart”

[*]

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