Vee haff vays of making you speak properly! 

Or did you mean would?

  • I wood if I cood.
  • How much wood wood a woodchuck?

Maybe you meant wouldn’t?

  • I wooden give her the time of day.
  • Dont take no wooden nickels.

Or could it be would he?

  • Woody really sink this low?
  • What a gigantic woody!


Posted by Shagatha’s Personal Assistant

It has been brought to Shagatha’s attention that a person with irregularity issues has been blackening Shagatha’s good name.  The terms, “hussy” and “trollope” were used.

Shagatha finds this prejucial and unnecessarily hurtful since this Aggie person has never met Shagatha and knows virtually nothing about her. For her own part, Shagatha has, until now considered Aggie a sister in the shagosphere – one with whom she might perhaps one day share an evening of shagalicious note-comparison over a fine bottle of some very old wine and a variety of nice cheeses. 

Furthermore, Shagatha has no desire to “riff” anyone’s “gig”.  Shagatha has a very full plate of gigs of her own.  On further consideration, however, Shagatha does admit the striking similarity of name and friends could be a bit unsettling.  Rest assured that, while Shagatha’s group of friends may be somewhat peculiar, they are really quite a sweet and playful bunch. (Please note: that admitting this in a public forum has made Shagatha quite ill).

Finally, Shagatha would like to recall the words of Charles Caleb Colton, when he said, ” Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

It has come to our attention that the Fourth Dwarf is going around disguised as the evil “fat neck.” Ha ha ha!!!! The Autonomous Eye will make short work of that little fat-necked dwarf.

Turning, turning… Seeking, seeking…

We have it! We now assert beyond a shadow of a doubt that “fat neck,” that so-called “4th dwarf,” is one of the little miners from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!!!!

But which one? Seeking, seeking… Turning, turning…

See Exhibit 1. We positively state that Fourth Dwarf is the fourth dwarf from the front of the entire line of dwarfs.

Zooming in… Clearly it is the sleepy one, Dozy the Dwarf, aka Fourth Dwarf, aka that evil No Neck Dwarf!!!!!!!!! Just look at his fat short little neck. Ha ha ha!!!!!

Exhibit 1

But wait! What if the little dwarfs are numbered in the wrong direction? In a diabolical attempt to mislead us?? Then the fourth dwarf would be… must be…

Exhibit 2

Good lord! It is the same dwarf! This is so conclusive that it would make our head spin, if we had a head. It is Dozy the Dwarf, that evil short-necked little sleepy fat-neck Fourth Dwarf with no neck!!!!!

Heigh-ho indeed.

But wait…. We have been cruelly misled! These are mere cartoon characters!

How diabolical!!

Fear not. That little dwarf is still within our grasp. Yes, the evil fourth little fat-necked sleepy neckless one. He is even more within our grasp than he was before!! Ha ha ha!!!!!!

Turning, turning… Seeking, seeking… Zooming in…

kitchen1.jpgO.M.G., you’ll never guess what.  I’m super freaked out right now.  I can hardly breathe.  Okay, so, I get back from Sydney on Sunday and I look out the window of my plane just before we were supposed land and Ottawa had completely disappeared.  It was like totally gone!!!!  I thought Daddy was playing another trick on me, but then the nice stewardess lady told me it was just really, really foggy.  THAT was just the beginning.

So then nobody was at the airport to drive me home and I still couldn’t see anything anywhere except that creepy white fog that made my hair go all frizzy.  Okay? So then I started to cry.  Really hard. Then after a while a nice man came over and asked me what was wrong and I told him all about nobody being here to pick me up and my frizzy hair and the fog and all and so he found a limo for me and helped me get my bags and put me in the limo and everything.  I tipped him $50, but he wouldn’t take it and just smiled and told me to get home safe. Wasn’t that just the nicest thing you ever heard of?

BUT. I’m sitting in the limo then and thinking how I was just about the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.  Then we get to my house and the limo driver brings my bags in for me and everything so I tipped him the $50 and he kept it.  He looked a lot poorer than the nice man at the airport though, so that’s okay.

So I get in and of course go looking for Daddy right away, but I can’t find him anywhere – not in his den, not in the livingroom, not in the parlour, not in the library, not in the pool, not in the conservatory, not in his suite, not in the diningroom, not in the recreation centre, not in the gym, not in the cinema, not in my suite, not in any of the guest rooms or bathrooms or anywhere.  So then I’m getting super-tired from all the running around and I can’t figure out where all the staff is either. So then I hear a noise from behind these double doors at the back of east wing where I’d never been before. It sounded like some people were fighting in there, so I thought maybe it was a new TV room or something and maybe Daddy was watching some movie, so I skipped in with a big smile on my face and O.M.G.!!!!

I don’t know if I can even talk about it.  The room, first of all was super crazy with a lot of dishes and knives and pots and a super lot of appliances and this big tabley thing right in the middle. I’ve never seen anything like it.  It was like some creepy science fiction movie or something.  But the absolute most worst thing of all was that on that big tabley thing was…was… Daddy!!! And he was naked!!!!

Wait.  There’s even more bad stuff.  Under Daddy was a naked lady and the two of them were humping away like mad.  They didn’t even see or hear me standing in the doorway, like, completely and totally horrified. Like… gross or what?

Ya, that was enough already to probably scar me for life, but the… then… then… the worstest of the worst thing of all.  No.  I can’t even say it.  But I have to. 

Naked Daddy and the naked lady flipped over for some more humping action.  So, they flipped over and then I could see the naked lady a lot better. And that naked lady who was humping my naked Daddy in the super-creepy appliance room was… (o.m.g.) Shagatha!!! O.M.G!!!! I’m going to totally hurl…………………………..

qmark.gif The Autonomous Eye does not wish to discuss his mysterious origins or the secret of his fantastic powers. Neither will he disclose his present whereabouts or his probable destination.

The Eye is bored with all these things.

The Eye does not resemble the photograph on this blog. Ha ha ha! No he does not. Ha ha ha!

The Eye does not wish to discuss the puzzling events of New Year’s Eve. Suffice to say that justice will be done. Never again will the Autonomous Eye be “shot from a cannon.” Like a common cannon ball!!!!!!!!!!!!

That little dwarf better hide if he knows what’s good for him. Yes, the fourth one. He had better beware the piercing gaze of the Autonomous Eye!!!

Turning, turning… Seeking, seeking…

I have it! The so-called Fourth Dwarf is really this dwarf rabbit named Zoey!!


Zoey lives in Halifax with little Amy Zuckerman. How cute, how diabolical!

But wait…

Turning, turning… Seeking, seeking…

No! Without a doubt the Fourth Dwarf is really this dwarf African frog named Benji!!


Benji lives in a pet shop in Timmins. He can’t wait to be adopted into a nice family.

But wait!! Turning, turning… Seeking, seeking…

Zooming in…….

The meeting was scheduled to commence at 12:00 sharp at the Usual Spot, but Shagatha and her personal assistant were fashionably late, due to some problem with the limousine driver’s attire.

The first item on the agenda was a discussion of the menu and why it had so many organs on it: kidneys, pork bellies, liver, etc. Everybody ordered beer and breakfast except Fox, who ordered beer and brunch.  Everybody carefully avoided the organs.

While waiting for breakfast (and brunch), we consumed beer, admired Third Elf’s curly feet and tackled one of the more existential questions on the agenda: What is our purpose?

We noted that Aggie got shagged this week, and we are pleased to think we played some part in this. Shagatha moved that we send an approving nod in Aggie’s general direction. Motion carried. Everybody nodded approvingly in an easterly direction.

Next item on the agenda: What are they thinking? After much speculation, we are forced to concede we don’t know what they are thinking, only that they are thinking, which is a favourable development. High fives all round.

We look forward with great anticipation to the upcoming post by Conch Shell, whom we previously believed to be imaginary.

La Chaise paused briefly from taking minutes to show off her outer space pen. Foxy suggested that she take the minutes upside down from now on.

The Autonomous Eye reported on his progress in seeking out the true identity of the Fourth Dwarf.  Things are looking  promising, very promising indeed. It’s only a matter of time.

After eating breakfast (and brunch), we discussed in great detail the formal challenge issued to us by the ESIs. The concept of a showdown at midnight on New Years Eve on Somerset Street between Elgin and Bank does hold a certain appeal. (“Showdown?” asked Empty Shell, “I thought they said ho-down!”)

As much as we are intrigued by this challenge, the timing simply does not work for the BSIs. It’s very late notice for a New Years Eve challenge. Plans have been made for months now, and deposits have been paid.

  •  Shagatha has a tryst planned with Count Vlad at the Romanian castle. 
  • Third Elf plans to spend New Year’s Eve trolling the bars for some female companionship with whom to ring in the New Year in a meaningful sort of way.
  • Empty Shell  has booked her flight to Sydney already, where she will ring in the New Year at some place called the Gimcrack with some guy she just met on the Internet.
  • The Eye has been short-listed for the job of Falling Ball in Times Square. We’re all very excited for him.
  • La Chaise has a date with a lounge lizard.
  • Foxy is keeping his options open, but thinks he might do a little philosophical reflection on the past year while eating pigeons.

Given our current social commitments, we must reluctantly decline the ESI’s New Year’s Eve challenge, but encourage them to try again when we’re not so busy.

We also considered the other challenge put to us by the ESIs: to see which group blog could write profiles of all their members first. Given that it has taken the ESIs one year to write one profile, and it has taken the BSIs one week to write two profiles, we unanimously and enthusiastically agreed to accept this challenge.

The meeting was adjourned promptly at 2:00. 

It has come to our attention that the members of that other blog post under assumed names!

No matter. No secret is safe from the piercing gaze of the Autonomous Eye.

The Eye will now disclose the true identity of the so-called Fourth Dwarf. Turning… turning… seeking… seeking…

I have it! Without a doubt the Fourth Dwarf is Munchkin Jerry Maren from The Wizard of Oz.


Fourth Dwarf, shown in the middle of this picture, lives in Omaha with his cat Rusty. He is 111 years old. 

But wait! We have been misled! That is not the real Fourth Dwarf! Jerry Maren does not know how to use a computer.

Turning… turning…

Seeking… seeking…

Elfie’s post got me thinking about the true meaning of Christmas, which in turn got me thinking about presents. So I started this Christmas list for Santa, to help him with gift ideas for some of my bloggy friends, even the naughty ones.

I could use some help. Please contribute gift suggestions in the comments.  If you can think of good presents for any other bloggers, throw them in there too.  

(I know Santa reads this blog: I saw his IP address in the stats. He’s probably just here on a witch hunt for Elfie, but if there’s one thing Santa can’t resist, it’s a list.)

Foxy: Four-and-twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie

Blackbird Pie

Empty Shell: Diapers


Shagatha: A hand-knit cozy for her icy heart

 A handknit heart cozy

Shagatha’s Personal Assistant: A new flask


Autonomous Eye: X-ray specs

 xray specs

La Chaise: A makeover

 A makeover

Third Elf: A book


Fourth Dwarf:  Collectible Long Dong’s Pirate Dwarf Slayers

Long Dong’s Pirate Dwarf Slayer

Aggie: A room of her own

A room of her own

Coyote: A big old slow-moving declawed pussycat

Fat Cat

Conch Shell: Sea monkeys

Sea Monkeys

Independent Observer: A gondola


The Chair: Casters

A set of castors

Posted by Shagatha’s Personal Assistant

Shagatha demands that everyone stop speaking, writing, newscasting and blogging about the bloody weather. Shagatha does not like being constantly reminded of the lack of cooperation she is receiving from meteorologists who wilfully continue to arrange inclement weather. Shagatha dislikes inclement weather and dislikes even more, the endless chatter about this weather. Shagatha does not wish to see photographs of snow-covered streets. She is perfectly capable of drawing aside her drapes should she wish to view such an appalling scene. Henceforth, when speaking to Shagatha refrain from mentioning the word “snow”. “Rain” can enter a discussion only if the discussion is about equestrianism or royalty. “Heat” may only be mentioned if discussing animal husbandry or as a metaphor for human lust. (Shagatha enjoys discussing human lust and all its inherent divergences). “Cold” and “ice” must only be discussed in reference to foods and beverages. Shagatha believes that anyone not enjoying the weather should remain comfortably indoors and chat cheerfully of any number non-weather related topics, or take themselves quietly, and without further discussion, to more pleasant climes. For those of you who take great joy in exclaiming your love of abhorrent weather, Shagatha suggests that you abide by the same rules as you would for any other unnatural self-pleasuring: Keep your activities private, do not speak or boast of them, and clean up after yourselves.