Where: The Usual Spot

Who: Shagatha, Third Elf, Foxy, Autonomous Eye, Empty Shell, La Chaise, Pandamonia

When: 12:00 pm sharp, give or take. We waited several extra minutes for Megan, but she didn’t show up. Elfy cried so we admired his feet and he cheered right up.

Beer was ordered. No beans. (We don’t know what that means, but we wrote it down on the minutes napkin, and so we must faithfully transcribe it.)

There was a heartful exchange of gifts, including some lovely Queen’s Silver Jubilee jewelry and delicious foodstuffs. We split Megan’s gifts seven ways.

We discussed Megan’s generous offer of a free blog consultation [redacted] and are taking it under advisement at this time.

We welcomed Pandamonia as the newest member of the Bank Street Irregulars. Pandamonia started to make a little speech about humble beginnings or some such thing. I wasn’t really paying attention.  Shagatha told her not to get too far ahead of herself, because unlike certain other group blogs, the BSIs have some standards with respect to quality and quantity of posts. Pandamonia will not be accepted as a full-fledged member of the BSIs until she actually posts something. There will be no deadwood on our blog. No coat-tail clingers. No dingleberries. We won’t be tricking anybody into posting or thinking up easy jobs for them to do. No. Either they post or we kick ’em out and they go find work over on Elgin Street. Pandamonia looked scared.

After we got that settled we ordered breakfast and sat around the table like a murder of fucking crows, talking about people behind their backs.

Then we discussed whether our team was complete or if we needed still more members. [redacted]

We brainstormed about new directions for our blog and carved out areas of expertise for each of our team members. [redacted]

We critiqued the art on the walls and wondered if the chef just dashed it off in his spare time or what.

Breakfast arrived. Everybody loved their breakfast except for Shagatha, who had ordered a veggie burger and was given mushrooms on a bun. A consultation between the chef and the waitress yielded the following explanation: “That’s how we do veggie burgers now.” The waitress insisted on replacing the veggie burger with a badly burnt vegetarian pizza. Shagatha did not look pleased. We were all scared. Shagatha called the waitress back and showed her the blackened bottom of her pizza. The waitress looked scared. An offer was made and accepted: Shagatha could have all her bad food for free, and they’d give her an extra beer too.

We discussed the location for the next Emergency meeting. Despite the plethora of eating establishments on Bank Street, we seem to have an unfortunate shortage of licensed breakfast places.

“We could take the ESIs up on their offer to visit Elgin Street, ” Foxy suggested. There was much excitement around the table as we made plans for the journey. There are many details to take care of, so we wrote a To-Do list:

get passports
get visas
hire sherpas
borrow luggage
get shots for Spotted Yellow Typohoid Fever and malaria
get drops for the Eye
arrange for fumigation for La Chaise before returning to Bank Street
arrange quarantine for Foxy
visit Google Maps and print out the directions to Elgin Street
make arrangements for Elfy’s alley cats. (Empty Shell offered to look after them, but we reminded her that she won’t be available that day.)

Then we talked about how to properly acknowledge the ESIs’ welcome message, which warmed the cockles of our great big hearts. We decided we’d like to reciprocate their generous offer and invite the ESIs to visit Bank Street. It’s really a world-class tourist destination. We have all kinds of cool stuff on Bank Street. We’ve got pigeons, a bridge, a falling-down hotel, and lots and lots of banks. We even have a grocery store!

At this point, some dude at the next table leaned over and said “Say, aren’t you guys the Bank Street Irrelevants? I read your blog all the time, I’m a huge fan.”

“And you?” asked Elfy, “Who might you be?”

davewoods.ca said the young man. Who then insisted he is not part of any group blog. Even though 3rd Elf narrowed his eyes the second time he asked. Davewoods.ca looked scared.

We then took pictures of ourselves trying on all the napkin rings (photos to follow once the Eye gets focused), adjourned the meeting and went shopping for redacted.