Where: The Usual Spot
When: 12:00 sharp
Present: La Chaise, Shagatha, Third Elf, Fox
Semi-present: Empty Shell
Omnipresent: Autonomous Eye
Absent with a Good Excuse: Pandamonia, who is still dead
Guest: Grammar Gestapo

Round BoothRound BoothI got there first and was seated at a wooden table. Across the room I spotted the most stunning, richly-textured, round red and gold booth I’d ever seen in my life.   His lines were exquisite. I asked the waitress to introduce us and she agreed, but told me to wait until she’d had a chance to freshen him up. As I slid into his waiting arms and sunk back against him, I knew he was the one. It was like we were made for each other.  When the others arrived (Third Elf was late again, by the way) they all agreed that this Red & Gold Round Booth is fabulous and much more my type than the one on Elgin Street. It’s important that your friends like the guy you’re seeing, wouldn’t you agree?

Okay, minutes. 

Item #1: The Gift Exchange. 

Nobody brought gifts today. Everybody looked sad.

Item #2: How bad is your hangover?

We compared hangovers. Third Elf had the worst hangover. It was so bad he ordered water even though the rest of us were having New Cranberry Maple Wheat Beer. Poor Elf. He didn’t even perk up when we admired his cute little feet.

Item #3: Pandamonia’s Children’s Education Fund

After much discussion we decided screw the children, we need a new charity. Ideas were kicked around, criteria were considered and discarded. No decisions were reached. Fundraising ideas were suggested: Foxy could shave his head and Elfy could take his empties back.  We could challenge the redacted to a fundraising contest. We mused about what their favourite charity might be.

Item #4: Engagement

How can we engage the redacted to interredact with us? Elfy suggested kidnapping one of their women, but the others thought that would be crossing the line. Elfy went on record as saying if we were to kidnap one of their women, which of course we won’t, he hoped it would be Aggie and she would get Stockholm Syndrome, which of course she won’t.

Breakfast arrived. It was delicious. It was so yummy, some of us ordered seconds. Foxy didn’t eat his fruit or toast, so the rest of us divvied them up. Elfy didn’t eat his bacon; Foxy pounced on it. Great smacking noises all round. More beer was ordered, and water for Elfy who was starting to recover from the award-winning hangover but seemed a little lost in his own little fantasy world.

Item #5: Does Stephane Dion have more facebook friends than Stephen Harper?

Yes, it’s true. Stephane Dion has 10,512 friends, and Stephen Harper has 8,386 friends. Why does this matter? Because Empty Shell got a job (no, really!) in the government and at first they weren’t allowed to access facebook but now they are because the prime minister wants his employees to friend him on facebook so he can have more friends than stephane dion. We’re all happy that Empty Shell can get on Facebook during the day now, but we think it’s weird. We agreed to continue monitoring the situation, but not to friend stephen harper.

Item #6: Bras

We hate bras.

Item #7: Should the Grammar Gestapo be invited to join the BSIs on a permanent basis?

Only if he promises not to correct us, because that could get annoying.

Item #8: The Focus of the Eye

Now that we have undressed the Fourth Dwarf with our Autonomous Eye, it’s time for the Eye to focus on someone else. Turning, turning, seeking, seeking…..aha! Redacted redacted redacted, this is gonna be good, redacted. [Much gleeful rubbing together of hands and cackling laughter.]

Item #9: Wither the Blog?

(In camera session) (That’s fancy for ‘redacted’.)

Item #10: Other Business

Shaking on itLet the record show that Chaisey rifled through her cushions looking for change and came up short: she didn’t have enough money for breakfast. Round Red-and-Gold Booth invited her to rifle through his cushions, which she did, but in the end she still had to borrow $2 from Third Elf.

Shaking on itThe meeting was adjourned at 2:30.

Where: The Usual Spot

Who: Shagatha, Third Elf, Foxy, Autonomous Eye, Empty Shell, La Chaise, Pandamonia

When: 12:00 pm sharp, give or take. We waited several extra minutes for Megan, but she didn’t show up. Elfy cried so we admired his feet and he cheered right up.

Beer was ordered. No beans. (We don’t know what that means, but we wrote it down on the minutes napkin, and so we must faithfully transcribe it.)

There was a heartful exchange of gifts, including some lovely Queen’s Silver Jubilee jewelry and delicious foodstuffs. We split Megan’s gifts seven ways.

We discussed Megan’s generous offer of a free blog consultation [redacted] and are taking it under advisement at this time.

We welcomed Pandamonia as the newest member of the Bank Street Irregulars. Pandamonia started to make a little speech about humble beginnings or some such thing. I wasn’t really paying attention.  Shagatha told her not to get too far ahead of herself, because unlike certain other group blogs, the BSIs have some standards with respect to quality and quantity of posts. Pandamonia will not be accepted as a full-fledged member of the BSIs until she actually posts something. There will be no deadwood on our blog. No coat-tail clingers. No dingleberries. We won’t be tricking anybody into posting or thinking up easy jobs for them to do. No. Either they post or we kick ’em out and they go find work over on Elgin Street. Pandamonia looked scared.

After we got that settled we ordered breakfast and sat around the table like a murder of fucking crows, talking about people behind their backs.

Then we discussed whether our team was complete or if we needed still more members. [redacted]

We brainstormed about new directions for our blog and carved out areas of expertise for each of our team members. [redacted]

We critiqued the art on the walls and wondered if the chef just dashed it off in his spare time or what.

Breakfast arrived. Everybody loved their breakfast except for Shagatha, who had ordered a veggie burger and was given mushrooms on a bun. A consultation between the chef and the waitress yielded the following explanation: “That’s how we do veggie burgers now.” The waitress insisted on replacing the veggie burger with a badly burnt vegetarian pizza. Shagatha did not look pleased. We were all scared. Shagatha called the waitress back and showed her the blackened bottom of her pizza. The waitress looked scared. An offer was made and accepted: Shagatha could have all her bad food for free, and they’d give her an extra beer too.

We discussed the location for the next Emergency meeting. Despite the plethora of eating establishments on Bank Street, we seem to have an unfortunate shortage of licensed breakfast places.

“We could take the ESIs up on their offer to visit Elgin Street, ” Foxy suggested. There was much excitement around the table as we made plans for the journey. There are many details to take care of, so we wrote a To-Do list:

get passports
get visas
hire sherpas
borrow luggage
get shots for Spotted Yellow Typohoid Fever and malaria
get drops for the Eye
arrange for fumigation for La Chaise before returning to Bank Street
arrange quarantine for Foxy
visit Google Maps and print out the directions to Elgin Street
make arrangements for Elfy’s alley cats. (Empty Shell offered to look after them, but we reminded her that she won’t be available that day.)

Then we talked about how to properly acknowledge the ESIs’ welcome message, which warmed the cockles of our great big hearts. We decided we’d like to reciprocate their generous offer and invite the ESIs to visit Bank Street. It’s really a world-class tourist destination. We have all kinds of cool stuff on Bank Street. We’ve got pigeons, a bridge, a falling-down hotel, and lots and lots of banks. We even have a grocery store!

At this point, some dude at the next table leaned over and said “Say, aren’t you guys the Bank Street Irrelevants? I read your blog all the time, I’m a huge fan.”

“And you?” asked Elfy, “Who might you be?”

davewoods.ca said the young man. Who then insisted he is not part of any group blog. Even though 3rd Elf narrowed his eyes the second time he asked. Davewoods.ca looked scared.

We then took pictures of ourselves trying on all the napkin rings (photos to follow once the Eye gets focused), adjourned the meeting and went shopping for redacted.

The meeting was scheduled to commence at 12:00 sharp at the Usual Spot, but Shagatha and her personal assistant were fashionably late, due to some problem with the limousine driver’s attire.

The first item on the agenda was a discussion of the menu and why it had so many organs on it: kidneys, pork bellies, liver, etc. Everybody ordered beer and breakfast except Fox, who ordered beer and brunch.  Everybody carefully avoided the organs.

While waiting for breakfast (and brunch), we consumed beer, admired Third Elf’s curly feet and tackled one of the more existential questions on the agenda: What is our purpose?

We noted that Aggie got shagged this week, and we are pleased to think we played some part in this. Shagatha moved that we send an approving nod in Aggie’s general direction. Motion carried. Everybody nodded approvingly in an easterly direction.

Next item on the agenda: What are they thinking? After much speculation, we are forced to concede we don’t know what they are thinking, only that they are thinking, which is a favourable development. High fives all round.

We look forward with great anticipation to the upcoming post by Conch Shell, whom we previously believed to be imaginary.

La Chaise paused briefly from taking minutes to show off her outer space pen. Foxy suggested that she take the minutes upside down from now on.

The Autonomous Eye reported on his progress in seeking out the true identity of the Fourth Dwarf.  Things are looking  promising, very promising indeed. It’s only a matter of time.

After eating breakfast (and brunch), we discussed in great detail the formal challenge issued to us by the ESIs. The concept of a showdown at midnight on New Years Eve on Somerset Street between Elgin and Bank does hold a certain appeal. (“Showdown?” asked Empty Shell, “I thought they said ho-down!”)

As much as we are intrigued by this challenge, the timing simply does not work for the BSIs. It’s very late notice for a New Years Eve challenge. Plans have been made for months now, and deposits have been paid.

  •  Shagatha has a tryst planned with Count Vlad at the Romanian castle. 
  • Third Elf plans to spend New Year’s Eve trolling the bars for some female companionship with whom to ring in the New Year in a meaningful sort of way.
  • Empty Shell  has booked her flight to Sydney already, where she will ring in the New Year at some place called the Gimcrack with some guy she just met on the Internet.
  • The Eye has been short-listed for the job of Falling Ball in Times Square. We’re all very excited for him.
  • La Chaise has a date with a lounge lizard.
  • Foxy is keeping his options open, but thinks he might do a little philosophical reflection on the past year while eating pigeons.

Given our current social commitments, we must reluctantly decline the ESI’s New Year’s Eve challenge, but encourage them to try again when we’re not so busy.

We also considered the other challenge put to us by the ESIs: to see which group blog could write profiles of all their members first. Given that it has taken the ESIs one year to write one profile, and it has taken the BSIs one week to write two profiles, we unanimously and enthusiastically agreed to accept this challenge.

The meeting was adjourned promptly at 2:00. 

Posted by La Chaise 

Everybody arrived at The Usual Spot promptly at 12:00.

The Third Elf brought gifts for all the members!

Shagatha brought a copy of the agenda plus all pre-meeting reading materials.

La Chaise agreed to take minutes.

The Fox felt compelled to interject with a personal statement of limited liability. It was eloquent. Heads nodded and assurances were given.

The first order of business was to choose a blog name. Several options were discussed.

Shagatha moved that the blog be called The Bank Street Irrelevants. Motion passed.

Menus were perused. The Autonomous Eye moved that if anybody ordered breakfast and a beer, it should go in the minutes.

The Third Elf and La Chaise both ordered beer and breakfast. The others ordered beer and lunch.

There was discussion of the blog’s look and feel and whether there should be a cam in the sidebar. But then everyone started admiring the Third Elf’s pointy little ears and curly feet with the bells on the toes and forgot to finish talking about the sidebar cam.

Breakfast and lunch and beer arrived. There was much eating and drinking, and some discussion of what home fries actually are, and whether fried leftover mashed potatoes have any right to be called home fries. There was a brief sidebar conversation about fishnet stockings and studded dog collars.

There was debate about pros and cons of different blogging platforms. WordPress was chosen. There was debate about the pros and cons of various stats programs. All of them were chosen.

Various blog mottos were considered and discarded.  Then Shagatha suggested one that  Fox and Third Elf massaged into something that was enthusiastically embraced by all members: The BSIs: Angst-free since 2003.

There was discussion of contests and prizes and nefarious evil-doing. [redacted]

There was more eating and drinking and discussion of redacted things.

The meeting was adjourned promptly at 2:00.