My memory has been stunted a bit by the drink, so I’m going to write you folks an elfy profile before it all goes black and I wake up in someone else’s alley. Heaven forbid.
As was pointed out at the meeting, I already wrote a bit of a profile in my side intro. Call me overly eager, but I just had so much to share. Still, I am a simple elf. It doesn’t take much to keep me going. A little bag of cinnamon hearts here, a nicked wallet there… These things are the spice of life! I live in an alley, as you know. I take care of many cats (eight and counting… Punchin, Bingie Bop, Sing Sing, Frito, Disco Ball, Mop, Pooper and Harold), and they are my closest pals, other than the Irrelevants, of course. I spend my days drifting in and out of sobriety and reading romance novels.
Ah, that’s where the story gets sad. You see, I am without a lady elf. Chaisey’s got Red Booth. Shagatha’s got anyone she wants. Foxy, well, he doesn’t say much about his exploits… But I know he has ’em. They call him Foxy for a reason. Even Empty Shell has her gay distinguished boyfriend Richard to hang out with. Panda was eaten, so I guess I can’t count her. I’m not sure if Eye can do things like kissing (hey Eye, can you do things like kissing?).
Then there’s me. When I ran away from Santa’s workshop, I left all my romantic prospects behind me. There are So! Many! Lady! Elves! in the workshop. And they are all handy with a hammer, which is a tremendously useful trait to have in a mate. One lady elf that I think of day and night worked in the train repair shop. Her name was Eloise. She was a vision.
She was also an exotic elf dancer. But I know deep in my heart that she had eyes only for me.
Since settling in Ottawa, I have searched high and low for an elfy lady that could make me feel the way Eloise did (I’ve even looked in Greely, but you don’t want to know what I found there). Who knew this city has such a low elf population! Had I realized, I would have begged Eloise to come join me in my alley. It’s not much, but it’s home.
Must get back to the kitties. If you hear of a lady elf about town, you’ll let me know, won’t you?
March 5, 2008 at 10:33 pm
THANKS TO ELFY WE WON THE CONTEST! WOOHOO!
Elfy, your profile was beautiful and well worth waiting for.
I think at the next emergency meeting, we should all sit down and hammer out a profile for you for plentyofelves.com.
March 5, 2008 at 11:09 pm
WE WON!!!
Elfy, wow, that Eloise is something else.
What did we win Chaisey? How about if the ESIs have to do our laundry forever? That’s what I’d like to win. Is that what we won Chaisey?
Yay! We won!!!!
March 6, 2008 at 8:43 am
Oh, Elfie, don’t be sad. If you’re sad then I get sad. I’m kinda sad now even just thinking about you being sad. You should totally call or text Eloise and ask her to come visit. I’ll even give you some money for a couple of hotel rooms so you guys don’t have to hang out in that alley all the time.
March 6, 2008 at 8:52 am
Posted by Shagatha’s Personal Assistant
Though Shagatha isn’t normally given to profanity, she now has no option but to say: “shit”. Shagatha is distressed because she has to break Elfy’s heart even more than it already is. This photo of Eliose, you see is actually a picture of “the green fairy” from the label of an absinthe bottle. Shagatha is very sorry, Elfy, but says you must have hallucinated her in one of your absinthe-induced stupors and then created a whole backstory for her. Shagatha isn’t sure if this makes Elf feel better because he hasn’t left behind a lost love or worse because there isn’t even a love to have lost.
March 6, 2008 at 9:49 am
Thanks guys for all your nice words. I know I’ll find love someday. And is it true the ESIs are going to do our laundry?! It’s hard to clean your socks in a cold alley… Real laundry would be so nice. And then maybe Aggie would come say hello? I hear she likes cats.
Shagatha, don’t worry. I was surprised by your comment at first, but now I remember Eloise telling me something about how she was a model, and that she had taken a contract advertising something I was fond of. I thought she was being, ahem, suggestive… But now I see the truth. She was modeling for my favourite absinthe!
Sniff… She knew me so well…
March 6, 2008 at 10:04 am
Turning, turning…
I predict Aggie will come and do your laundry Elf. She’s on her way now. So comb your hair and curl your toes.
Turning, turning…
Eloise is a fairy, not an elf. Fairies and elves cannot reproduce. But they can snoggle!
However, I regret to have to tell you that she is not on her way.
March 6, 2008 at 10:23 am
Posted by Shagatha’s Personal Assistant
Shagatha is relieved to have come so close to being wrong for once in her life, Elf. She therefore urges you to take Shell’s advice and her offer of accommodation. Ignore the Eye. According to lore, elves and fairies can mate and reproduce, though common practice may suggest otherwise. It’s like human first cousins mating — biologically and legally it’s perfectly fine… it just isn’t done very often.
March 6, 2008 at 11:15 am
Don’t feel bad Shagatha. I thought I was wrong once too, but it turned out I was merely mistaken.
March 6, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I thought I was mistaken once too, but it turned out I had been cruelly misled by that evil fourth dwarf!!!!!!!!!
March 6, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Hey Eye?? Ummm, I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been, like, dying to know how you, like, you know… do stuff?? Like, you’re an eye, right? So, how do you, like, type for instance? Do you have one of those super-cute helper monkeys or something?
March 6, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Oh, I’ve seen the Eye type. He types super fast, using his lashes. It’s like having hundreds of fingers.
March 6, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Yes. My helper monkey is called The Fourth Dwarf. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s just my little joke, Shell. The mysterious secrets of life as an eye are not to be known so easily.
March 6, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Heck, I’m wrong lots of times. People like you better when you’re wrong.
If I have to know something for sure I just ask somebody smart, like the Autonomous Eye or Chaisey. Or Elf.
Hey Eye, can I come over and watch you type sometime?
March 6, 2008 at 2:55 pm
When do you think the ESIs will be able to spot-clean my upholstery?
March 6, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I’m sure those ESIs will be contacting us soon. They challenged us to the profiles contest, and they said if we won they’d do our laundry forever.
Maybe they’ll just send Megan over to do our laundry and spot-clean Chaisey’s upholstery. She’s their highly-paid blog consultant after all.
March 6, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I can’t wait to see what our next challenge from the ESIs will be! They sure know how to keep a friendly rivarly going!
March 6, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I liked the softball tournament best. What a riot!! And the Chair’s potato salad was fantastic.
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